On our wedding day, Ed’s stepdad was overheard saying, “They’re like two little banty roosters. I’m not sure they’re both going to come out of this alive!”

The newness of our love for one another blinded us to the keen observation he was making at the time, but about six months into our marriage, the feathers began to fly! We were both headstrong, stubborn and emotionally immature. However, God’s grace and compassion, coupled with a lot of hard work, has helped us redeem those qualities. We’ve become passionate people with strong convictions and teachable hearts. We’ve also learned some practical ways to strengthen our marriage by preferring one another.

HE SAID ...

Bethani and I are complete opposites. I’m conservative and rather bland. She’s spontaneous and creative. I like things neat and orderly. I organize my socks by color ... I even organize my M&M’s by color before I eat them. But being wired differently doesn’t mandate conflict; rather, it gently forces you to think about life differently.

• I choose to value Bethani’s contribution to our family and marriage as equal to my own. When my desk is full of tasks that need to be completed, yet I know that dinner will be ready at 6:30 pm, I make sure I’m home in time to eat dinner with my family. This simple act shows honor and respect for her work at home.
• When our boys were young, the time I spent with them following dinner gave Bethani a break from the exhausting full-time job of mothering. She enjoyed being able to clean up after dinner in a quiet kitchen without little ones underfoot. Now that they’re older, one of the most romantic things I can do is wash the dishes while we discuss the happenings of our days.
• Time together is often hard to find.I make it a priority to take my wife on a date at least two times a month. Although we may end up discussing life issues, I try to make it an intentional time to reconnect with her romantically.
• Bethani really enjoys spending time with close girlfriends, and I love giving her that opportunity. Several times a year, she and a friend go out of town to shop for an entire day while I spend the day with our boys.

SHE SAID ...

One of the most important things I learned early in our marriage was to express my love for Ed in ways that he receives it.

• I regularly tell Ed how grateful I am for all he does to provide for our family. I encourage him as he shares with me what he has accomplished at work. I offer positive feedback when I have the privilege of hearing him preach. In short, I am his cheerleader—his #1 fan.
• Unlike Ed, I’m not, by nature, a neatnik. Over time, however, I’ve learned the value of putting things back where they belong and having a plan for my day. Although there are still times when I release my inner slob for my own sanity, as much as life allows, I try to make our home a place of order and peace so that he can relax after a long day at work.
• One of my favorite things to do is send Ed “flirty emails.” It makes me giggle when I think of him checking his email between meetings and finding a surprise that just might make him blush!
• Ed loves Major League Baseball. He always arranges to be home on Opening Day to watch several games. To make that day special for him, I create a concession stand filled with his favorite snack foods. I decorate with baseball-themed plates, make signs with prices for the snacks and have plenty of play money on hand for him to spend. I arrange his favorite chair, hat and newspapers, then allow him to have the entire day as free from interruption as possible.

If you’re experiencing less than you desire in your marriage, we want you to know it’s truly possible to be more than just roommates. God has so much more for you and your marriage. Preferring one another will do wonders for your relationship (Romans 12:9–10).

If you aren’t sure where to start, here’s a helpful mental exercise. On the way home from the office, make the deliberate decision to take off your “work hat” and replace it with your “spouse and parent hat.” Above all, remember the triple A’s: Affirm, Admire, Appreciate. Do so verbally, in written communication and through your actions, then see the marriage you desire come to be!

Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate.
~ Barnett R. Brickner